Outgrowing a friendship is a painful feeling, especially when you didn’t see it coming. It is hard moving on knowing that you used to see them as something more, a best friend, and now you don’t even know what’s bringing you together.
There are several reasons why a friendship has reached the end, maybe some of which you now realise years later shouldn’t have ended a friendship.
And others you recognise should have been enough to mark the end of the friendship years earlier but you still struggle to let go.
It seems like it took you forever to realise that ‘they weren’t on your side’ and they weren’t going to be your bridesmaids.
You have matured and you try to remind yourself that it is a good thing to lose them as your friends.
But was the friendship ever salvageable? Read on to find out why you are currently experiencing a friendship breakup and if any of your future friendships can avoid going down that route.
Not initiating enough
This is the type of friendship that is used to one friend making all the plans and keeping in constant communication with them.
Friendship requires maintenance and it can be annoying being the only one initiating.
They rarely message you first, so you eventually stop messaging as you’re tired of coming across as ‘needy.’ And since you no longer are ok with being the only one to text first, you have stopped messaging, so you haven’t talked for a long time.
Your friend doesn’t know how you are, what you have been up to, that you almost lost your home so you needed to look up legal aid solicitors.
Remember, friendship is a two-way street. And yet it is not helpful to jump to conclusions to assume they suddenly don’t like you but if they are not willing to meet you halfway maybe reconsider calling them your close friend.
When you have this type of friendship you can do two things:
- Reach out and confide with them. Have a conversation about both of you working on your communication skills.
- Renegotiate the ‘friendship contract’ and redefine what the friendship is. Maybe you’ll be the type of friends that only meet on special occasions.
Or distance yourself so you can free yourself from the friendship, this is known as ‘quietly quitting.’ When you quietly quit you don’t let them know what’s happening, you just stop reaching out and responding.
This is the less confrontational option as they won’t necessarily know what’s wrong. It’s advisable to reserve this type of response for particularly toxic friendships. Avoid doing this if you feel like the friendship is reconcilable even if it means having a break from each other.
Not the same person anymore: life changes
Life changes can make you reflect on whether you want to stay friends with people you used to be close to.
Life changes like:
- Getting married
- Divorcing
- Moving far away
- Death
- Starting a new religion/changing religion
- Not drinking alcohol anymore
Whatever the reason, it is an uncomfortable reality that you and your friend are moving apart because you are not in the same phase of life.
True friends should be able to support each other despite being in different situations. However, it is not that easy to stay close when life situations change. So, all you can do is accept the relationship change and decide if you can maintain some type of relationship.
Some will be able to maintain close friendships despite moving far away from each other by planning regular phone calls and meet-ups.
And others will allow the friendship to fizzle out.
They don’t support you
You are always going out of your way to support them but you can’t say the same about them. Maybe they have at times shown up for you but now you are made to feel like a burden.
And now every time you have an event or a project they just haven’t shown support. Maybe they’re jealous, maybe they are ‘too busy’ to support you or maybe it’s just not a good time for them.
Of course, not everyone is able to give and receive emotional support. And it’s a struggle to give the right amount of support without being overbearing.
Also, you might think one of your friends isn’t being supportive whilst she believes she is doing a great job at supporting you.
As friends, it is easy to misunderstand each other and burn bridges because of it. The best thing to do when you find yourself in a friendship that isn’t supportive enough is communicating. Truth is what is obvious to one person isn’t to the other.
‘Support looks different to everyone’ Danielle Jackson, friendship expert.
All you can do is communicate and if your friend’s support isn’t enough then you can reconsider the friendship you have with them.
Final thoughts
Outgrowing a friendship is natural but it doesn’t make it less of a painful experience. Friendships can be fragile and vulnerable to change, some of which can mark the end of a friendship.
It is up to you to set and build boundaries with your friends. Don’t be afraid to say goodbye to friendships which aren’t fulfilling and are growing toxic.
But be careful to be understanding, not leaping to misunderstandings and conclusions.
And as cliche as it is – communicate as healthy friendships will thrive on communication.